This is not only what happens to me, but what I have to say about it. I'm growing too fast, and no place is big enough for me. I think too much, and no one is up to listen to everything I have in mind.
Ontem, antes de dormir, comecei a pensar nas minhas últimas tentativas de relacionamento e me dei conta de algo... Havia um carinha com quem eu me sentia sozinho quando ele estava longe. Me dei conta que mesmo quando estávamos juntos eu me sentia só. Parecia que ele nem mesmo estava ali às vezes. Agora, com outro carinha, eu me sentia bem mesmo quando não estávamos juntos.
I haven’t written in a while, and there’s a reason for that: nobody is reading what I’m writing, and it sucks. I’ll keep writing, for it’s a way I can remember in the future the mistakes and the right things I’ve done in my life. I don’t care that nobody reads it, but I’d sure like it much better if many people did. It would be a good incentive.
Last Sunday I went to Michel’s place. He’s a nice guy that I met through Gaydar last year and since then we see each other every now and then to have some fun. He’s a sweet very intelligent guy, but, as I told Line, ‘he’s not what I’m looking for’. Nonetheless it’s always good to spend some time with him, and the sex is also good.
But I definitely need high-quality sex. Since Bruno I don’t know what it’s like to have an awesome wild night with someone I care about. Ok, with Cris it was excellent, but not the same thing. When I had sex with Heron and his sort-of-boyfriend Jeff it was wild, but I didn’t care about them at all; maybe a little about Jeff, who always seemed to need some tenderness.
After the intimate party at Michel’s I went to Sil’s place where my friends were going to have some soup and watch the Oscar. I was missing those guys, but by the time I got there I realized that I didn’t belong there. Ricardo and I sort of had another misunderstanding again and I’m not quite considering him a good friend of mine. He’s changed, or maybe I am.
I haven’t talked to Luciano and Caio didn’t send me any e-mail anymore. I’m feeling sort of lonely, but it’s something that comes and goes. I’m really studying hard, and I’m on vacation. When my class starts at college I probably won’t have time to meet someone and get to know this person well enough. But I’m enjoying having Italian, German and Spanish classes. I get to know a lot of new people (most of them not datable), and I have a lot of fun. Moreover, I’m attending to an extension course on Food Security with is really interesting.
And I’m reading Richard’s Bach ‘The Bridge Across Forever’. It’s a beautiful book, and the most incredible is that it’s a real story, a self biography. Finally Leslie and he kissed, but I know that a lot is yet to happen because I took a glimpse on the further pages. I’m really identifying to that book, cause the author looks for someone special but even still he sleeps with other women who he knows are not the right ones. The only difference is that I’m not a millionaire and I sleep with men.
Yesterday I was on the internet doing nothing and Lucio got on-line. He’s an ex-boyfriend of Fabiano’s that I met through the net by chance long ago. Fabiano is one of my best friends ever, and talking to him about Lucio some months ago, he showed me this picture of him naked. The guy isn’t beautiful, the guy isn’t pretty. But according to Fabiano and to those pictures, he had this big dick and he was great in bed. I thought, ‘hey, I have to try him out’.
When he got on-line we started chatting and I sort of told him that I should visit him sometime. Making it all shorter, he picked me up and we headed to his place, where he had a lot of fun. Again, he’s not pretty, he’s not beautiful, but he SURE can fuck an ass. But he’s not datable, so I might just forget him.
I’ve been feeling kinda weird about the things I’ve been writing here. And it gets weirder when it comes to my mind that according to my webcounter nobody has been reading this shit. I’ve been considering stopping writing at all. Nothing important happens after all.
Tonight I have this classmate’s birthday party to go to. I hope there will be any cute guy there.
I know it’s been a long time since the last post. I’ll just write it as it comes to my mind. This is probably going to be a long post.
Ok, I’m Going!
Saturday night. Carnival. I know I said I was going to be in town during this season, reading Richard Bach, resting and finishing my college presentations.
One night I was chatting on the internet and this dude nicknamed “No Underwear” started talking to me. I said that I was looking for someone whose underwear I could take off and he told me that he could get dressed first. Here’s an easy-going guy, just like what I’m looking for. He happens to live in Flowerstown, that island 6 hours away from here by bus where Aline, a friend of mine, lives. I was talking to her either during that by the way. The guy sent me his picture and he happens to be gorgeous. I told him that it was too bad he lived kinda far from me, cause I had really liked what I had seen. He said it was not too far and that he lived alone, I could go there if I wanted to. I just told him that I wouldn’t mind going there. He said that I wouldn’t do so. I told him that I had been to Sao Paulo for a guy who wasn’t as cute as he was and that I knew no one in that big city. In the other hand, I know plenty of people in Flowerstown and I even have a place to stay. He got kinda scared I guess. Anyway, he said that I should call him when I was there cause he would spend the next couple of days on his parent’s in a city nearby. I said I would and that I was looking forward to meet him. Instantly I called Aline and told here that I was going to Flowerstown for carnival, explained all about the guy, sent her a picture of him and headed to the bus station.
I will save you a lot of time and tell that I didn’t meet the guy. The phone number he gave me was probably now his or I wrote down the wrong number. I sent him an e-mail when I was in Flowerstown, which was never replied. Maybe the picture wasn’t even his. But that’s ok, cause because of that I went away for Carnival! Yeah!!
Friends
As soon as I got to Flowerstown I sent this message to Ricardo and Guilherme, “Guess who’s just arrived in the island! Call 555-5555 and find out!” Ricardo called and we talked some time. It was funny cause we sort of had a misunderstanding and were not quite speaking to each other. Suddenly it just went away and we became good friends again. So we went out together at night, we went to the beach during the day and had such a wonderful time while they were there with me. The had to come back on Wednesday for Ricardo had work to do but I remained there until Sunday night.
I met some of my friends from Flowerstown, but I didn’t spend much time with them. I was mostly with Wood and Aline there. We met Wood’s boyfriend and it was funny, although the place we went to in order to do it was lousy.
When I was at Concorde (a local night club) I met Bruno. He was wearing this weird chain on his neck. This time I didn’t feel awkward for being beside him. Jean was there too and we even said some words to each other. Back in Porto Alegre, Donner told me that they are doing coke. When Bruno was with me he wouldn’t even smoke because he knew I would get pissed off, and now he’s doing coke with his friends. How people can change to worse.
Sex In The Jungle
There’s this nude beach in the island and at Carnival people just bitch around there. Next to the beach there’s this jungle with some inner tracks where guys have sex with each other. Total strangers. I decided I should try it. I went into the tracks and waved to this guy to come near me. We didn’t do much, just jerked off for a while and this other cute guy came and watched us. I told him to come nearer and he did it. He blew me and jerked me and asked if I wouldn’t like to fuck the other guy’s ass. The other guy didn’t really like the idea and said that he had to go. Ok by me, he wasn’t very cute after all. So this guy who came kept jerking me and blowing me until I asked him to fuck me. He smiled and readily attended my wish. While he was fucking me and other guy came around and observed. The guy was cute either (I was very lucky that day, cause usually the guys are awfully ugly) and I told him to come closer. He came and while the other guy fucked me this guy started to blew me. Dude, that was so damn cool! When I finally cum I just left and never saw them again.
The next day I went in there and met a guy from Rio de Janeiro, and he had a great body and a nice face. He would do everything I asked him to. I had no condoms this time so nothing more happened. I just screwed my thing inside of him twice for he was begging me to do so.
And some more would have to happen, of course. Two days later I came back there and was getting pissed off cause there was no one who was good enough. When I was almost coming back home I found a nice body and took him with me into the jungle. He had a great body and was very sweet, but that’s not what I was looking for. I asked him to fuck me and he did it. Too bad it was too fast.
What I really think about it? That’s not what I was looking and only Ricardo and the other people who were with me the first day it happened know it. I didn’t tell it even to Aline cause I was kinda embarrassed about it. Was it cool? Indeed it was. Did I have fun? Lots. Would I do it again? I don’t know. I’m ultimately looking for a stable relationship, and I know I won’t get it this way. It was wild, though, and I needed something like that in order to exorcise my demons.
Back In Town
I came to Gay Harbor and realized that I had left a lot of things yet to be done: lots of college researches and presentations and even two tests yet to be written. I did it all!
Now I’m a week away from getting vacations, but I won’t travel this time. My German classes have already started, my Italian classes will start this Saturday and I began to study Spanish (cause I couldn’t believe that I live in Brazil and I can’t speak Spanish, even having been to Buenos Aires so many times and having relatives and even a god-daughter living there. Yesterday I went out with Fabiano and he had dinner at Osmar’s place. There he asked me how many languages I spoke. I thought for a while and said, ‘five… but none of them very good…’. LOL.
That’s it, I won’t write more today. If you got this far, you deserve to be congratulated.
Yesterday Elize, Cabral and I went out together again. As I wrote before (on my former diary) I consider them my real friends. We’ve known each other for years and even though we don’t get to talk and see each other much we always care about one another.
After our big entrance in the parking lot listening to ‘I am what I am’ real loud we sat at a table and started talking Elize is in love with a co-worker of hers, in fact, her boss. They are dating since a while and she’s doing pretty well for an ex-lesbian who had a near two-year long relationship with a girl named Ana. She’s kinda insecure about the guy, because they have even slept together and even though they didn’t do anything more sexual. Cabral and I spent the night explaining to her how men’s mind works. It was indeed funny.
Before leaving my place my mother came home and we started talking about Cabral’s father. He owns my mother some money (not much) and he’s probably never gonna pay that. Cabral is one of the greatest persons I ever met, but he’s father is one of the worst. I told my mom that she couldn’t say much of Cabral’s father since mine wasn’t that better. She said that my father doesn’t steal people. I just said back that she did something worse, that was having a child out of his marriage. She said that no one knows whether it’s true or not, and I told her that only a blind man wouldn’t see. Then she said that I still had so much to learn and left. Minutes later I got into my mother’s room and told her this: ‘Listen to me. I wasn’t gonna say anything to you because it’s been a while since what you think or not about me made a difference. The thing is that I probably know many things better then you do and who would really have to learn here is you. What I know today I learned mostly by myself, and this is what makes me really smart. How many times have you seen me screwed up and how many have you seen yourself screwed up? Now I have to go. Bye’
I’m one step away from getting a research scholarship. The teacher indicated a classmate of mine to whom I’m very close and me, and now it’s up to the research pro-rectory to decide which they want. I’ll be happy even if she gets the scholarship, because at least it won’t go to one of my obnoxious classmates who were also running for it. Anyway, we sent our résumés to this research centre site, but I’m sort of worried because even though I can access and edit it, it’s not available for other people. I hope everything works out OK, and I’m so looking forward to get it.
I had plans of going to Grass (a city in the hills) with Cris (an ex-boyfriend of mine), his boyfriend Andrey, Andre and Vinicius. Viniciu decided he’s no longer going there, so I thought I’d stick around in town either and save my money. It would be kinda expensive for a two-day trip. Cris didn’t like my idea, but I assured him that I was going to Tiethere with them, where Andre has this camp house.
I still haven’t talked to Caio or Luciano to set a date with them. However, this otehrr guy who I met on a chat line called me and asked to meet me. He doesn’t seem to be my type, but I’ll meet him as a friend because he’s so fucking intelligent. He can talk about anything. I have to admit that sometimes this intellectuality gets boring, but he can be funny sometimes. It would be a nice anthropologic thing.
As I told before – maybe not here, but as some of the reades of my former diary might be reading this blog – I have decided I won’t go to Flowerstown (it’s an island 200 miles away from here where Aline, one of my best friends, lives) this carnival. There are several reasons for that. Firstly because at carnival everyone form my town goes there, secondly because they are all looking for easy sex (I don’t judge them, but that’s not what I’m looking for lately), thirdly (and maybe the most important reason) I don’t want to spend my money.
And I haven’t been going out much here in Gay Harbor (translating, this is the name of my town, can you believe it?). I just don’t feel like that. Since Ricardo and I are not very friendly to each other I just think it would be a good idea to use this in order to avoid going out for a while. And I’ve been doing some “love searching” on the Internet. I’ve already got two guys who I’m willing to meet.
One of them is Luciano. I’ll probably meet him today, if he doesn’t have to work late. When he told me yesterday on the phone that he works too much I thought, ‘just like someone I know, and it’s not good’. This person I know would be I. He has this amazing peaceful voice, and I just don’t get tired of hearing it. The problem is that he sent me a faceless picture and he looks a bit too thin. Fortunately I’ll be soon a nutritionist. He said he’s got red hair and I find it so beautiful. I hope he’s a beautiful red.
The other guy is Caio. I talked too him before going to Cord once and he was supposed to have called me but he didn’t. Later on he wrote me an e-mail telling that he was there but he couldn’t call me and asking if I was wearing a green t-shirt. I said that I was wearing a brown t-shirt and he probably picked the wrong guy along all night. This one has sent me his picture and he’s very cute, but I didn’t recognize him at Cord, which means that maybe only the picture is too good.
I’m looking forward to meet those guys. And I’m not up to rush into anything. I just want me to be friends with them, at least at first.
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