This is not only what happens to me, but what I have to say about it. I'm growing too fast, and no place is big enough for me. I think too much, and no one is up to listen to everything I have in mind.
I’m one step away from getting a research scholarship. The teacher indicated a classmate of mine to whom I’m very close and me, and now it’s up to the research pro-rectory to decide which they want. I’ll be happy even if she gets the scholarship, because at least it won’t go to one of my obnoxious classmates who were also running for it. Anyway, we sent our résumés to this research centre site, but I’m sort of worried because even though I can access and edit it, it’s not available for other people. I hope everything works out OK, and I’m so looking forward to get it.
I had plans of going to Grass (a city in the hills) with Cris (an ex-boyfriend of mine), his boyfriend Andrey, Andre and Vinicius. Viniciu decided he’s no longer going there, so I thought I’d stick around in town either and save my money. It would be kinda expensive for a two-day trip. Cris didn’t like my idea, but I assured him that I was going to Tiethere with them, where Andre has this camp house.
I still haven’t talked to Caio or Luciano to set a date with them. However, this otehrr guy who I met on a chat line called me and asked to meet me. He doesn’t seem to be my type, but I’ll meet him as a friend because he’s so fucking intelligent. He can talk about anything. I have to admit that sometimes this intellectuality gets boring, but he can be funny sometimes. It would be a nice anthropologic thing.
As I told before – maybe not here, but as some of the reades of my former diary might be reading this blog – I have decided I won’t go to Flowerstown (it’s an island 200 miles away from here where Aline, one of my best friends, lives) this carnival. There are several reasons for that. Firstly because at carnival everyone form my town goes there, secondly because they are all looking for easy sex (I don’t judge them, but that’s not what I’m looking for lately), thirdly (and maybe the most important reason) I don’t want to spend my money.
And I haven’t been going out much here in Gay Harbor (translating, this is the name of my town, can you believe it?). I just don’t feel like that. Since Ricardo and I are not very friendly to each other I just think it would be a good idea to use this in order to avoid going out for a while. And I’ve been doing some “love searching” on the Internet. I’ve already got two guys who I’m willing to meet.
One of them is Luciano. I’ll probably meet him today, if he doesn’t have to work late. When he told me yesterday on the phone that he works too much I thought, ‘just like someone I know, and it’s not good’. This person I know would be I. He has this amazing peaceful voice, and I just don’t get tired of hearing it. The problem is that he sent me a faceless picture and he looks a bit too thin. Fortunately I’ll be soon a nutritionist. He said he’s got red hair and I find it so beautiful. I hope he’s a beautiful red.
The other guy is Caio. I talked too him before going to Cord once and he was supposed to have called me but he didn’t. Later on he wrote me an e-mail telling that he was there but he couldn’t call me and asking if I was wearing a green t-shirt. I said that I was wearing a brown t-shirt and he probably picked the wrong guy along all night. This one has sent me his picture and he’s very cute, but I didn’t recognize him at Cord, which means that maybe only the picture is too good.
I’m looking forward to meet those guys. And I’m not up to rush into anything. I just want me to be friends with them, at least at first.
Yesterday Aline and I were talking on ICQ and it was really funny. I got off-line due to my sleepy mood and this test I had to write this morning but, before I did it, she sent me a zip file. Inside of it were a lot of log files of hers from 1997 and 1998. Conversation that she hadwith me, with Guto, with Duke, with Iza, the guys we used to hang out with back then.
Guto was my first love. I guess that who was reading "Another page has been read", my former diary, knows about him. Some things are now better explained about our ficticious relationship; like, he never really cared about me. I had to get back on-line to talk to Aline. Although it was sort of painful it was good to read that, cause now I was finally prepared for that. And it was nothing that I neve knew, only something I wasn't up to see by myself.
Now I got to think that I could have enjoyed my life much more then I did when I was still in love with him untill 2000, when Bruno and I met. Weird. I guess I should do now about Bruno what I hadn't done 6 years ago about Guto. Just forget him totally and live my life.
I'm at college right now, with plenty of time to write. I just wrote this Bromatology test, which was quite easy and my next class will be only in teh afternoon. So I decided to wrtie a bit about how's my school life.
I haven't been very motivated lately. I mean, I'm not even sure if this is the place where I belong and if I want to keep studying this for much longer. For those who are not aware, I'm majoring on Nutrition, and I'm not quite sure yet of the reason I ended up here. I know that I want to help people; maybe I thought I could do something being here. The course is knew, and we've got a lot of bad teacher. There are the good ones, of course, but sometimes I think they don't pay off. I get along with some of my class mates and with some other I don't. I guess it'll always be like that wherever I be.
Lately I've been quite excited about his research project in which I want to get into. They won't pay me much for that, but any money is welcome and I really could use it. Not to mention that it's easy money, or at least it seems so. The problem is that there are other people running this race and I'm not sure if I'll get it. Vivian says I will. She's this nicest classmate of mine who's already engaged in another research project. If I'm willing to remain in this academic thing I will have to be into researching. Yesterday this teacher of mine was telling us about this project of hers and while she spoke she was moslty looking at me. And my potetial rival (an obnoxious classmate who's sitting at the computer right behind me) is not one of her favorites, what makes me feel better.
I really hope I can get it. Whoever reads this, pray for me...
|Cintia| I talked to your ex-boyfriend Bruno a few days ago.
|Alex| I saw him at Cord two weeks ago...
|Cintia| I find him so nice.
|Alex| I used to think that too, before he dumped me in a motel room, at Xmas, after exchanging gifts.
|Cintia| Aw...
After the other weekend I decided that I won’t go out at the gay scene for a while. Ok, I went to Neo this weekend, but it’s not exactly a gay club anymore. The weekend before was awful.
I went to Cord at Saturday (like always) and I saw some cute couple holding each other and felt lonely. I saw Bruno (a not very well overcome ex-boyfriend) who was looking just beautiful. Ricardo and I started to not get along. Needless to say, that I came out of the place a few hours after getting inside.
On sunday I met this guy who I talked to through a chat-line on the phone. He said he was very handsome, beautiful and had this wonderful body. When he showed up he barely had all teeth and even lied about his name. I told him that I was leaving because I was there to meet someone else; after all, I had at least told my real name.
When I was on the bus going downtown I passed by the porn movies. I had never been to a place like that, so I decided that it would be a nice experience. What can I say about it? It’s dark. Thank god I didn’t made out with anyone in there, cause when they turned the lights on, I looked around and there were only horrible people there.
Then I went to Olaria and talked to some friends for a while and went to Vene with Ricardo and Cezar. Cezar wanted to come home and gave me a ride; we live in the same neighborhood.
Then I decided that I should stop going out on the gay scene. I’m trying to find people on the internet and new friends. I won’t say I’m tired of the old ones, but I definitely need new people, and people who are out of the scene. I was building my entire world around it, and as a guy told me recently, ‘it’s not healthy’. I’ll start going out with my straight friends again. Maybe I’ll even try to play soccer!
Friday night I went to Neo Club. Formerly it was known as End of Century, but as the century ended they had to change the name. It was the first gay club I had ever been, and it was in 1997 when I was 15 years old. Yes, I was always a precocity case. I kept going there until 2000. After they changed its name I went there once, almost two years ago. Between 1998 and the beginning of 2000 and went there like every weekend. People could see me from Thursday till Saturday there and they wouldn’t be surprised. I knew everyone there and everybody knew me.
I went there for Carole, a friend of mine who I hadn’t seen in years, invited me to go. We made out some times when I was 17. She knew I was gay but she didn’t care. I guess it was because later she would become a lesbian.
After a while fighting against my car to park it I finally got in front of it and waited around. The she showed up, beautiful as ever. Some people who used to go there when I did (and probably have been going there ever since) were surprised to see me around again. Even I was surprised to see myself there.
So I got inside. Despite of some changes (to worse) in the place it looked pretty much the same. Only a few steps inside and I began to remember everything that happened in there: the mezzanine where I used to watch the guys, the stairs where I sat with some people, and the benches where I made out with many gorgeous guys. And of course I couldn’t forget to recall some special people I had met there, like my ex-boyfriend Cris, who is still one of my best friends.
I didn’t stay much there. I got inside at 12:30am and came out at 2:00am. But it was good to feel the vibe again. I was happy then, and I knew it. Those were amazing times.
Ricardo and I have been friends for almost an year. I met him through his ex-boyfriend who was a friend of mine. Then they broke up and Ricardo and I became much friendlier then Brad and I were. We always go out together and do stuff together. I had sort of a crush on him and he knows that, but it never got between our friendship.
Lately things are changing. We were at Cord (a club) talking to some friends and I was telling someone about feeding and exercise (something I sure know about) and he got in the middle of the conversation and said that I didn’t know anything and that I haven’t worked out for months, but he has. I said that I studied that, and even though I haven’t worked out I was hotter then he! He just left. I said that kidding, laughing. Later I passed by him at the party, said something and he told me that he was upset with me for what I had told. I said I was sorry, that I didn’t really mean that and that it was supposed to be a joke. He said it was ok, but I noticed it wasn’t.
Sunday we were at Vene (a pub) and there was this cute guy I was looking from afar. Then a friend of ours came near us and asked what was going on. Ricardo said, ‘Alex is staring at someone. Hey you! Come on over!’ Fortunately the guy didn’t listen, and I softly slapped Ricardo on his face to make him stop looking to that guy. It sure didn’t hurt, but he didn’t like it.
A couple of days ago he called me because I had told him that there was something I’d like to tell him. I wanted to let him know about what happened between Matheus and I and ask what he thought about it. I told him the whole story, and he began to tell something that happened to him. I interrupted him and began to tell something else, he told me that he wanted to sleep and that he wanted to tell me his story first. I said, kidding again, that it was always about him and that he was being selfish as Grace from Will and Grace. He got so upset and hung up on me. God, it was a joke! What a sensitive guy.
Yesterday he called me to tell me that there would be this dinner party at Fabio’s and that if I wanted I could pass by. I asked him if he wasn’t gonna talk to me and he said, ‘No’ and hung up.
I’m not gonna call him. In fact, I’m thinking about recycling my friends. Not all of them, but some.
This has happened some days ago. As I couldn’t post it on my official diary, which I decided to finish today, here it goes.
The phone rang. “Hello?” asked I. “Hey dude. This is Matheus”, said the voice. I thought it was he, but I just couldn’t believe. So I asked, “I’m sorry, Matheus who?” The guy giggled and said, “Matheus from your neighborhood”. I gasped, “What?! I can’t believe it’s you!” He asked if I was home, then told me that he was in front of my place. I said that I would open to him.
My family was all at the living room and my mother asked if I was going out. I said that I was just going to open the front door. When I saw him I really couldn’t believe it at all. “How have you been?” asked I smiling. He said he’s been doing well. I asked him to come in and he accepted, so I let him in. When we were coming inside I said to my family, “Guess who’s here!” and my mom went like “Matheus! How are you and your family?” He just said, “Everybody fine ma’am”. He kissed my sister who was his classmate during elementary school and we went to my room.
“So, long time, huh?” I commented. He agreed. I asked what’s up and he said that he was passing by, visiting his mother because he no longer lives in this neighborhood (he’s living near downtown nowadays) and decided to visit me. After talking a bit about computers (as we usually did back when we were best friends) I asked about his mother (one of my English teachers) and his brother (a friend of mine by the time we were friends. He said his mother was doing well and his brother was really different, majoring in Marketing at PUC. I said I knew that.
Then he got into the subject asking “I want to know why you told Mi about that thing”. “What thing?” asked I. “This thing”, said he, and grabbed my thing. Mi was his girlfriend at the time. I was 16 years old, so it was 5 years ago. He was probably 18 or something. I was coming out of the closet and my parents didn’t know about me being gay then, but I was beginning to tell my friends, and he was one of the first persons I had told. Some months after telling him that, when he was dating Mi, something happened between us. He was curious about things and some stuff happened one night when he slept here. Now it occurs to me that it happened exactly 5 years ago, because it was in February. I have some log files of internet chats and I’m gonna read them later. Anyway, we had a fight because he had told that I was gay to a friend of us (she would end up knowing that sooner or later anyway) and I thought he had told some stuff of mine to a real enemy of mine, who told to everyone that I was gay.
So he was sitting in front of me waiting for an answer. And I told him the truth, “I don’t know why I told Mi about what happened between us.” “You don’t know? There might have been a reason for that”, he replied. “Maybe I was just angry for you told Joana I was gay. “Yes, that was the reason”, he said. Then I asked him, “Did you come over my place after all these years that we have barely spoken to each other to ask me about something that happened 5 years ago? Why? I thought I had already said I was sorry for telling her about it and you said it was ok.” “I know you apologized. I came here because it could have happened again”, was his answer. I didn’t understand so I asked him to be clearer.
“Let me see it”, he asked. “Why?” I asked. He replied, “Because it’s big. Won’t you let me see it?” and came towards me grabbing it again. Then he started unzipping my pants and I told him that it wouldn’t work, that it never works under pressure. He grabbed it and started jacking. I insisted that it wouldn’t work, and then he started sucking it. Well, then it worked. He looked at it and said “how big”. “Yeah, they were benevolent to me” I said. Then he said, “Ok, you can keep it”. I kept it and said, “Ok, now will you tell me what’s that all about?” He told me that he still thought about what we had done and that he had liked it back then (although he had told me that he hadn’t liked it) and that he wanted to find out whether he liked it or not and that he knows now that he doesn’t. I told him I was happy for him. He said something about taking psychiatry lessons at college (we both attend to the same Medicine College but I’m majoring in Nutrition and he’s on Medicine). “So I was just a scientific experiment?” asked I kidding. He laughed and said, “Something like that”. I just said, “All for science sakes”.
Then we started talking about what happened 5 years ago and he said that he got kinda upset cause after we were finished I just turned aside and slept. I told him that I wasn’t feeling good about it because he was my best friend. “We were very close, weren’t we?” asked he. I just said back, “Yes, we were”. He asked to see it again, and I let him. He was sitting and I stood up. Then again he said that it was too big and asked what it felt like back there. I said I liked it. He said it might hurt. I said I never heard complains. He said, “Sure, they probably like it this way”. I laughed. He blew it again for a while and jacked it. Then he said it was enough and was sure that he didn’t like it, because he didn’t feel excited. I told him that I wouldn’t get excited on a situation like that.
We talk more about college and he said he would have to leave. He said that I had his e-mail and that we could keep in touch. I said it would be really good and that I was definitely now expecting that visit. I was really surprised and after he left I was still somewhat stunned. During our conversation I asked if he was feeling attracted for some guy and he said he wasn’t. He affirmed that nothing else happened after that time 5 years ago. Then again he said that was quite sure that he didn’t like guys. I just said OK again, looking into his eyes. I took him to the door and said bye.
I’m feeling weird. We were best friends and then we suddenly never spoke to each other. I still remember when I went to his place to pick up some stuff of mine that were there. He wanted to talk to me but I didn’t want to hear. I was so angry about so many things that I couldn’t realize how great our friendship was. Despite of all the things I always hated about him, he was always a good guy, and I miss him some.
Hey everyone... I've written some diaries and blogs before, and decided that it would be a good idea to start a new one here. I hope everyone enjoys it. I'm just a single gay guy who lives in a city in southern Brazil. You'll all find out more about me as I keep writing here. I really don't like introductions. I'm majoring on Nutrition at the Federal University of my town, learned English mostly by myself and also speak a bit of German and Italian, not to mention Portuguese, which's my mother tongue. The blog title is due to my willingness of getting out of here. I have plans of living in Germany and travelling to other places either. It's all probably coming soon...
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